Adventures of Chris the MarySue
by onewhowatches
Summary: Crystalline Obsidian Butterfly Sunshine Moonshadow Trenton just wants to be a normal girl. But can that happen? NO, cuz she's a Mary-Sue. With frizzy hair. Follow her quests to be normal through fandoms of all kinds, and finally finding a good shampoo!
1. The MarySue Who Wanted To Be Normal

Mah little disclaimer: THIS AIN'T MINE. Oh, my M-S is, of course, but whatever fandoms I choose to have her invade aren't. Examples: Naruto, Discworld, LotR, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Hercules the Legendary Journeys, Justice League, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc.

Me: C'mon, read it! Please?

George: Likely. Not.

Me: I hate you.

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

Chapter One: The Mary-Sue Who Wanted To Be Normal.

Crystalline Obsidian Butterfly Sunshine Moonshadow Trenton sighed. Again.

The breath escaped her perfectly formed crimson lips, flipping up her perfectly shaped eyebrows and fluttering her luscious, thick, lacy lashes.

She was pissed, to say the least. Nowhere in all the fanfiction she could get her hands on was a Mary-Sue who didn't make her feel like barfing. A lot.

_Why are we all such ignorant cows?_ she thought. _And don't me started on our male counterparts._ She shuddered.

Crystalline Obsidian Butterfly Sunshine Moonshadow Trenton scowled as she clicked the Internet off and shoved herself roughly away from the computer desk.

Several men, and some women, staggered up to help her. Politely declining all offers of assistance, she managed to get out of the library with only a few hastily written phone numbers.

She hitched up her trenchcoat in an effort to hide her disastrously perfect face. It was disastrous because it had caused her nothing but trouble since her parents first laid eyes on it.

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

A couple who had just had their first baby were not fit recipients of such terrible news.

"I am so sorry," the doctor said, presenting her to them. "She's a--she's a Mary-Sue."

Her mother snatched her up and clutched the newborn to her chest. "B-but," she cried. "There was no glitter or rainbows! No unicorns, or-or magic birds or spontaneous singing. And I'm pretty sure I'd remember being ravaged by a demon and angel and a god or goddess!"

The doctor frowned. "Yes, her birth was unusual, for one of her kind," he admitted. "But look at her! No blood, so pale, so perfect! How could people who look like you produce _that?_"

There was a sound akin to a huge slab of meat being dropped on a marble table. Basically, _THWOCK!!_

When the doctor woke up, the parents were gone. "We've got a code MS," he said into a walkie-talkie as he struggled up from the floor. "The parents made off with her. Back up required."

The parents were unsuccessful in hiding her away. Where are you supposed to hide a Mary-Sue? In the trash?(a)

So, after only a few months with her parents, Crystalline Obsidian Butterfly Sunshine Moonshadow Trenton was placed in front of a Mary-Sue orphanage with the name Christine Opal Beatrice Emma Stacey Trenton(b) written on a note pinned to her blankie.

The Mary-Sues who ran the place had sneered at the name. Way too normal. So the moniker that the author refuses to type again was given to the poor baby.

She was placed in a bed in a row of others. As she grew up, perfectly, she was the only one who didn't cry whenever something didn't go her way. She kept her bed neat, orderly, and read all the books in the place. Her teddy bear went with her everywhere.

The things that _really_ set her apart from the others were her hair and eye color. The Mother-Sues could never get the kinked, tangled mop to lay flat or even bounce. It was curly and wavy, yes, but all that did was make it even harder to manage.

And her eyes weren't silvery. They weren't midnight dark. They weren't even bright. All you could give them was that a glare from them could freeze you. Pitch colored orbs in a pale face.

Add the wild red-orange hair and height and you got one freaky lookin' chica. But her Mary-Sue genes shone through brightest in her ability to annoy everybody. A small child who asks constant questions with a glare and a tone of voice that had 'You're _stoopid_' written all over was not endearing, even if she _was_ clutching a bear and raggedy blanket to her chest.

However, Mary-Sues are what they are, so people loved her anyway, and treated the rational emotion of hatred as if it didn't exist. And she hated herself.

Because how was a Mary-Sue supposed to find someone to love her for her, if they loved her automatically?

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

She walked through the streets, confident that the only reason she'd get attacked was if someone wanted to be her sex slave. Unappealing thought, but she liked that better than getting mugged.

Suddenly, she felt a tug in her stomach area and groaned. She rushed into an alley and leaned into a corner.

_Shit. Not _again_! I just got back from before!_ She took a deep breath and let herself be pulled away from the alley, her eyes squeezed shut. Mary-Sues were taught at young ages the hard way to never open their eyes when they were being taken.(c)

When strange noises filtered in her ears and an awful smell invaded her nose, she opened her eyes.

Chris, as she called herself, hurriedly rushed to the other wall and threw up. Naturally, it was beautiful, and thankfully, didn't smell _too_ bad. _At least I'm not like poor Beka,_ she thought, wiping her mouth as she thought of her only friend. _Hers always smelled like flowers and food._

A hand over her disabused tummy, she walked out of the alley way and into fresh air. The streets weren't paved, but there weren't that many animals around. _So, I'm in the past again. But in a city, maybe?_

She ducked her head down, hoping to pass through without anyone talking to her. Or falling in love with her. As she walked along, she could feel the local language start to accumulate in her brain. Pictures flickered and she learned the language like a native.

"--just do it!" whined a voice. "Come on! How 'bout I pay you this time?"

"Fine, you pervert," said a young, gruff voice. "But this is the LAST time, got that?!"

"Of course, of course," the whiny voice said, satisfied and not sincere at all.

Chris sighed. "Guys are so stupid," she muttered, stepping off the side walk-like dirt to cross the street. Just then, two people rushed by, knocking her down.

"You ass!" shouted a pink-haired girl. "I told you not to call me that!"

"But you are a hag!" the pasty guy with short black hair said calmly, like he was stating a fact. "What happened to me telling the truth?"

Her gloved fist contacted his face and sent him flying. "Ever heard of diplomacy?" she snarled. "Learn it, before every girl in this town kills you!"

Chris' mouth hung open. She was usually sucked into some weird version of her own world, and managed to get out before she was noticed and snapped up, but this world was _strange._

She was sure the people had been speaking Japanese, but Japan didn't have towns like this anymore. At least, ones that people still actually lived in. The wind picked up and she squinted at the sky.

"Don't you dare," she warned whoever was up there. "This trenchcoat is _staying_, and you can't make it fly off to reveal my true beauty or whatever."

"Why are you talking to the sky?" asked the gruff voice from before. "Do you need help up?"

Chris sprung to her feet, and started walking quickly. "No, I'm fine!" she said loudly. "No need to help, perfectly fine!!"

"You don't sound fine," the voice said, keeping up with her. "What's your name?"

"Uh, nothing. I don't have one," she said, hoping the stupidity of the answer would make the voice go away.

"Well, Miss No-name, I'm Naruto," the voice's hand gripped her shoulder. "Uzumaki Naruto. And I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to come with me. The Hokage doesn't like strangers in long coats, and neither do I."

_Awww, shit,_ she thought. _This is Naruto?! I am never going to be able to watch this show again. I really hope I don't run into Jiraiya. I'll be doomed then, for sure._

As Chris fumed about her lack of luck, Naruto glanced at what little of her face he could see. A grin broke out on his face, and he thought, with much enjoyment, _I'll take her to Pervy Sage first. Then he'll leave me alone!_

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

Jiraiya almost cried. "Naruto, how could you?!" he asked. "She's not anything to look at at _all_!"

Chris snorted. _If only he knew._ "If this is your Hokage, I feel sorry for you," she told Naruto. "This guy's an idiot."

Jiraiya glared at her frizzy hair. "Shut up, Mizz Frizz," he said. She gasped.

In truth, Chris would be happy to be ugly as a very ugly thing, but her pride as a girl and Mary-Sue interfered. And for once they agreed on the same thing.

'Did you _HEAR_ that?' Inner Mary-Sue asked. 'Hell, even _I'm_ dumb enough to think I'm ugly!'

'That jackass!' her pride shouted. 'Let's prove him wrong!'

_Oh, no you don't!_ Chris thought, gripping her coat tightly. _I am not proving anything! Mary-Sues are hated transuniversally! Or have you forgotten that?!_

The inner-whatevers shut up.

Jiraiya eyed her. "Why are you grabbing your coat?" he asked suspiciously. "Do you have something to hide?"

His now serious tone scared her. "Uh, no," she said, "not really. Just, you know, I don't want to get recognized. My parents disowned me, and started saying I killed their, uh, cows, even though I didn't, and I don't wanna get arrested! Please, I'm too young to rot in jail for the rest of my life!!"

Naruto glared at her. "And we're supposed to believe that?" he asked.

"Um, yes," she said. "Yes you are."

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

FOOTNOTES!! :D

(a) They'd tried that. But people kept finding themselves drawn towards the gross receptacle. The parents moved on after the twentieth person attempted to dig through their garbage.

(b) The parents named her after family members and friends. They tried their best Mary-Sue name, but sadly failed.

(c) It was during those first few times that she felt any sympathy towards her fellows. They couldn't help it, and weren't weird, like her. And the things in between were…awful.

:D o-o Oo; TT.TT :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

A/N: I'm a horrible person. I wrote a Mary-Sue who hates Mary-Sues.

-throws self off bridge-

I hope you like it, and don't hate me forever. Reviewers, pay attention! If you review, I'm writing you in as an OC. You'll have your own chapter and everything. And if you feel like giving me an idea as to what goes on, just write that too.

Besides, Chris needs to go to fandoms I haven't even heard of before. So clue me in, peoples.

signed,

onewhowatches :3

P.S. I'll update soon, so get them reviews out there! :D

P.P.S Critics are welcome, but flamers shall be beaten with fire extinguishers and covered in fire retardant.

Maybe THAT'LL cool yer tempers D:


	2. The MS Who Just Wanted A Good Shampoo

Mah little disclaimer: THIS AIN'T MINE. Chris is, obviously but everyone else belongs to someone else.

Me: I'm introducing a new Mary-Sue is this chapter. She was mentioned previously. And my response to Seventh for the review, just tell me what to call you and you'll be here.

George: Like she wants to be in this thing you call a story anyways.

Me: D: You're an ass, you know that?

George: Who's been looking in the mirror too much lately, butt face?

Me: STFU!!

George: -snickers-

Me: I hate you! Now on with it!

:D o-o Oo; :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

Chapter Two: The Mary-Sue Who Just Wanted A Good Shampoo.

Chris hunched further under her coat as she was practically frog-marched to what she assumed was the Hokage's office.

Thankfully, no one stared. They just saw Naruto and assumed it had something to do with the legendary prankster. Or they just didn't care. Chris was betting on the latter(a).

"You know, it'd be better for you if you just took off the coat," Naruto told her kindly.

She snorted. "Not likely, bub," she said. "The only way you're seeing my face is if you're ready to die."

Naruto eyed her with a strange look. "You're weird," he said. "It's just a face. What could be so bad? Are you ugly, or something?"

She glared at him, her eyes flaring. "Ugly like you?" she asked sweetly.

Jiraiya chuckled. "She's got you there, Naruto," he said.

"She's got you as well, Jiraiya," said a husky female voice. "You're not exactly pleasing to the eyes."

Chris looked up and her jaw dropped. "Holy crap!" she cried, startled. "Your boobs are HUGE!"

Naruto started to choke and splutter. A man standing next to the ginormous boobs attached to a rather attractive woman laughed.

"Not exactly the best way to introduce yourself to the Hokage, young lady," he said. She squinted at him, trying to see a facial expression behind the mask he was wearing.

"Kakashi…" she whispered, barely loud enough for even her to hear. But his amiable gaze became much sharper, his one eye boring into her.

"Why is your face hidden?" he asked, not bothering with actual introductions. "And why do you know my name, since you're obviously foreign?"

"Like you're one to talk," she told him, trying to be as obnoxious as she could be. "What's wrong with wanting a little anonymity?"

"We've been having a little trouble with anonymous strangers lately," the woman, _Tsunade,_ Chris reminded herself, said, beckoning the group inside her office. "Come inside, if you have to."

Chris darted her eyes around, seeing no way out that didn't involve a part of her body being exposed. She sighed. "Fine," she said, "but there is to no maiming when you see me. And I have to warn you, you might fall in love."

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Not likely," she remarked.

Chris looked around once more before shutting the door and gazing at the windows. "Do you have curtains?" she asked.

"No."

"Damn," she muttered. _Oh well. If a bird decides to commit suicide, it's not _my_ fault._ "Just remember, I _did_ warn you."

She lifted her hands, took a deep breath, and took her handy trenchcoat off. All four pairs of eyes widened, and just outside the door and windows, they could hear birds singing.

Naruto started to fall to his knees, his mouth opening (b) and Chris slapped him.

"Don't even _think_ about it," she told him. "And shut your eyes."

He complied, rubbing his cheek and scowling. "What _are_ you?" he asked. "Why did I feel like the sun was shining for the first time when I saw you? And why did I want to peel you a grape and feed it to you?"

Jiraiya's eyes had narrowed dangerously. "She's a Mary-Sue," he spat out.

"What's that?"

"I'm pretty much the most dangerous thing you'll ever meet," Chris said with a sigh. "I am also hated no matter where I go, but because I'm a Mary-Sue, everyone loves me no matter what. Unless they're like you three," she nodded her head to the others, "and have will power strong enough to resist me."

Kakashi frowned. "But there's something wrong with you," he said.

"Oh, gee, thanks," Chris remarked sourly. "That's _exactly_ what every girl wants to hear."

Tsunade smiled briefly. "He's right," she said. "You're not like the others I've, uh, seen."

Chris cocked her head at her. "Did you kill them?" she asked bluntly.

The Hokage looked away. "Yes."

Chris couldn't stop the stab of pain that shot through her heart. _Poor things,_ she thought. _They couldn't help being what they were._

"I don't blame you," she said slowly, choosing her words carefully. "But that doesn't exactly make _me_ feel any better." She eyed Kakashi's weapon pouch. "Or any safer."

"Just try to keep your face covered," Tsunade told her. "You'll be staying with Kaka-"

Chris shook her head wildly, waving her arms around. "No, uh-uh! You are NOT going to stick me with anyone male, female, or, in fact, anyone at all!" she shouted. "No! You'll be falling right into their trap!"

Jiraiya stopped staring at her. "You're right," he said. "Maybe you can stay with me? I have the power to resist you, and-"

"No offense, Jiraiya," Chris said, "but _fuck_ no. There is no way I'm staying with anyone! You should've just left me alone. I would've waited until I got pulled out again and then none of this would have happened, and you never would have had to figure out what the hell to do with the errant Mary-Sue wandering in your midst."

Naruto risked peeking through his fingers, and after a minute of staring at her mad face, when with combined with her wonky hair made her look like a demented orange, moved his hand away entirely.

"Why won't you stay with anyone?" he asked, no longer affected by her over-powering Mary-Sue beautaciousness(c).

She glanced at him. "Well, aren't you just full of surprises," she said with a smile, before it faded into a frown. "Nobody can resist a Mary-Sue once they've been in her presence for an extended period of time. That's why people tend to get rid of us quickly."

Chris rubbed her head. "Does anyone else feel hot?" she asked faintly, before her knees buckled and she clutched at her head in pain. "Shit! Someone else is coming through!"

"What?!" Tsunade exclaimed. "Now? But you just got here! There's never more than one Mary-Sue at a time! That's all a place can handle at once!"

"The rules don't always apply to me," Chris said, gesturing to her hair. "As you can clearly see." She bent over and retched as a bright flash of light filled the room.

The sound of another person vomiting permeated the room as the occupants blinked the blindness away. The smell of flowers drifted across their noses, and Naruto noticed that even though when other people threw up _he_ felt slightly ill, the horrible retching noise was like birds singing in the spring.

"B-beka?" Chris choked out. "Is that you?"

Beka coughed. "Um, yeah?" she asked. "C-chris? Oh, _pl-please_ t-t-tell me it's you! I co-couldn't st-stand it if I was here alone, not aft-t-ter having t-to deal with Yu-Gi-Oh again!"

Chris stood up on shaky knees. "Beka!" she barked out. "Cover your face, now." She forced her eyes open to see her long-time best friend quickly covering her small face with a colorful scarf.

"Oh, I'm e-ever so glad t-t-to see you here!" Beka said in her timid way. "Please t-t-tell me you've-ve e-e-explained t-to all these n-nice p-people that we're not-t here pl-planning on r-ruling the world w-with the powers of M-mary-Sue?"

Chris felt her mouth twitch. "Not exactly that," she said, helping Beka to her feet, carefully avoiding both of the glittery puddles on the floor. "But close enough. How did you get here?"

Beka shoved her ankle length hair out of her eyes. "I h-hate Yu-Gi-Oh," she said heatedly. "I hate it S-SO m-much! Why d-do I al-always e-end up with h-hair d-d-down t-to the floor?!"

"Because that's just how it works," Chris said. "You know just as well as I do."

"Y-yes, but I-I don't-t-t see _you_ l-looking li-like you've n-never seen a-a d-decent p-pair of scissors I-in your l-life," Beka pointed out, annoyed. Her eyes softened sympathetically. "H-have you found a-anything st-st-strong e-enough t-t-to help you w-with your, uh, p-problem?"

"Does it _look_ like I have?" Chris said, angrily tugging on a tangled lock. "I hate my hair. All I want is a place where people don't throw themselves at me and demand to be my slave, and a good shampoo, but _noooo!_ I get to be hated transuniversally while simultaneously adored."

Beka giggled. "I d-don't get-t how you c-can joke a-about something s-so serious," she said.

"Hey, you're the one that's laughing," Chris told her. "So that makes us equally guilty."

Her friend giggled again. "I-I g-guess so. But you've-ve always b-been able t-t-to m-make me l-laugh."

Someone coughed behind them. "I hate to interrupt this lovely reunion," Tsunade said drily. "But what the hell am I supposed to do with two Mary-Sues on my hands?"

Beka blushed. "O-oh!" she said, embarrassed. "I-I di-didn't mean t-t-to ignore you! It's j-just that I hav-haven't seen Ch-chris in s-such a long t-t-time, so I-I g-got a lit-t-t-tle caught-t-t up in the moment-t."

Kakashi frowned. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Are you nervous or something?"

Chris glared at him. "She's got a speech impediment. A sever stutter. It's why the owners of the orphanage stuck us together. We were the weird ones. There were others, but they tended to section us off into little groups. We were less troublesome that way."

Beka smiled. "Th-there's n-never been a f-freaky M-mary-Sue be-before," she said. "L-let-t-t alone t-two at-t the same t-t-t-"

Chris slapped her on the back.

"-time," Beka finished gratefully. "In th-the same u-universe. I-I have a lot-t more tr-trouble with T-t-tees."

Someone burst into the office suddenly. "Hokage!" a random Jounin shouted. "The Akatsuki are attacking!"

Beka glared at him. "N-no there not-t-t," she said. "W-we would've-ve sensed them b-by now."

Chris nodded. "She's right," she said. "What do you really want?"

He threw himself at Chris. "Please!" he cried desperately. "Please marry me! Let me be your body slave! I will cater to your every whim!"

"Maybe," she said slyly, winking at Tsunade. "If you tell me what you're up to."

"I was planning on distracting the Hokage long enough to steal all the sake from the room," the Jounin said, grabbing her hand and rubbing his cheek on it. "Shizune sent me." (d)

Chris patted him on the head. "Good," she said. "Now go do your job and forget all about me."

He nodded eagerly and ran off.

Naruto stared while Jiraiya laughed. "I guess that's one of the benefits of being one of you," he said.

Chris scowled. "Yeah, like, the _only_ one. And it's not even that great. Every time I use my Mary-Sue powers, I feel like I'm doing something very, very wrong. It's not right to just control people like that."

"That's why you're eliminated whenever your kind is spotted," Kakashi said. "It's like you don't care that what you're doing is wrong."

Beka glared at him. "They don't know any better!" she yelled. "It's not their fault. Because of people who think like you, I lost my big sister!"

Chris rubbed her shoulder sadly. "It's not out fault that we are who we are," she said quietly. "We can't help it; we were born this way. And something up there is laughing at us, enjoys it every time one of dies, enjoys watching us wreak havoc everywhere we go. They just don't know that what they're doing is wrong."

"Then how do you?" Naruto asked.

"Because there's something wrong with us," Chris said. "We're not like the others."

"W-we're th-the f-freaks," Beka said, reverting back to her usual stutter.

Tsunade sighed. "Well, you still need to go somewhere," she said.

"We can just hang out with Naruto here until we're pulled away," Chris said. "We'll keep our faces covered, wear shinobi clothes, even. Just don't separate us. The closer we are, the more likely it'll be that we'll leave together."

Tsunade frowned. "Alright," she said. "Just try not to make much of a fuss. I was planning on relaxing a little today."

Beka and Chris smiled. "W-We'll t-t-try," Beka said. They both grabbed Naruto and led him out, Chris tucking her face behind her coat once more.

"So," she said playfully. "How 'bout you give us a tour of Konoha? I'm sure you know the best places to hang out and goof around."

Tsunade's frown deepened. "I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" she asked.

Kakashi took out his book(e). "Maybe," he said. "But we'll just have to wait and see."

:D o-o Oo; :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

:D o-o Oo; :o (: YoY D: :B O.O ): o3o D:

A/N: Dear god, what have I done? -smacks self-

I honestly had no intention of making this so angsty. D: I'm such a bad person. This came out funnier in my head.

But at least it's an update, right? I'll be updating Things That Lead Us To Now soon, so don't worry all my imaginary avid readers.

You'll get yer fix soon enough. -laughs maniacally-

signed,

onewhowatches :3

Ahahahaha!! FOOTNOTES!!

(a) She'd be right XD

(b) Probably to sing a love song to her

(c) Yes, I just made that word up. Deal with it.

(d) And I bet you all thought it was for something nefarious. XD I'm not that bad.

(e) Porn! :3


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